So I thought, why not watch Transformers? It has robots, it should at least be enjoyable for that. Well, no, not even that part is good. Here is my review.

There’s a hot chick, who is going out with a football player, him being condescending to a sort-of-nerd-but-still-good-looking guy (because we don’t want to show ugly people in a movie), her defending him, then drawn to him by the events that will happen. Never seen before.

Oh, and there’s techno-gibberish. One more or less incorrect (i.e. I’ve seen far worse) use of the term firewall, and the parts with the “hacker” is just laughable. Oh yeah, and the Pentagon allows high-schoolers inside, without even checking if they have some sort of storage device on them. Right. The high-school girl who saw what every NSA’s scientists didn’t see has an annoying accent, and her friend the hacker is an annoying, disgusting, stereotypical, fat black man. Don’t forget to add the cross-platform unstoppable computer virus propagating through magic to the mix.

There’s even a part with marines. An the Mexican guy from Prison Break, speaking Spanish (it was supposed to be funny, I think). One of the marines has a wife and a new-born baby he hasn’t seen in person yet. Why do we need to see this? Oh right, to care about him; the others marines’ lives are worthless. He will hence survive and have his five minutes of glory in the action (but not much more).

The hero (the one who will eventually get in the pants of the hot chick) tries to hide a truck and three cars in his backyard. And yet another set of stupid, overlong, painful and unfunny scenes. Oh yeah, and our stupid hero is afraid his parents are going to freak out because of the damage. Just think one second for fucking sake: what is more important, the end of the world or a few crushed flowers?

But still, it could have been half enjoyable if the robots were cool, with cool combats, etc. Bummer.
The robots don’t look like robots, they look like big robotized trolls. It seems the animators didn’t bother creating new kinds of body movements and just took them from some older movie that had big monsters in it. Continuing on the CGI effects, they’re lame and the filmmakers are obviously ashamed of them as the “transformations” are played very fast in a very short window of time, so that you can’t see how bad they are. Most of the time they don’t even show you the full scene but only closeups, maybe to hide some incoherence. There’s even parts where they transform completely off-screen. They weren’t even able to do something good with a simple cube (yes, there’s also a cube). I’m happy I didn’t pay anything to watch this crap.

Oh, and I watched it in 1080p on a big screen, so don’t tell me it’s a thing you have to see in a huge room – full of people eating pop corn and children crying – to enjoy it.

To sum up: overlong, painfully unfunny, boring and uncool epic failure.